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Friday, September 12, 2008

Football Coaches Do Not Cancel Games

It's been raining all day and without even thinking too much about it, I checked the high school website to see if the football game was cancelled due to weather. About noon - my caffeine kicked in and I realized what a tremendous waste of time my efforts were.

Football coaches do not cancel games! Baseball coaches will, track coaches will and all other kinds of normal individuals will. But - I've realized something over the years - football coaches are not normal. Quite frankly, they are nuts.

The first glimmer I had that football coaches didn't operate on the same playing field as the rest of us was about five years ago. Lucas was in a playoff game. It was scheduled for 8:00 pm on a cold November evening. It was about 45 degrees outside and it had been drizzling freezing rain for two days. And guess what? The game wasn't cancelled. It gets worse, though. Once the kids showed up, the coach gathered them all together and told them to go jump in the mud puddle and get as dirty as possible. My jaw dropped - it wasn't just muddy - it was FREEZING mud! They were going to be dripping mud before the practice even started! I gave a frantic look at the coach's wife. She returned this sad little headshake indicating that she really did try her best to domesticate the man, but when it came to football - it just didn't take. Outside of football, the man was a perfect gentleman and a genuine fun person.

They also don't think there's anything wrong with playing with major injuries either. If I ever heard a coach tell an injured player, "Get your behind back in the game. Your bone's not even sticking through the skin. Your sister could play better than you!", it wouldn't suprise me a bit. (OK - that's a *little* exaggeration there, but not by much!)

I think there's something inherent in football coaches that make it impossible for them to give in to any kind of challenge. First - it's the only outdoor sport I know of that is played into the winter. How many superbowls have we watched during snowstorms or freezing rain? Coaches LOVE that stuff. But, there's also an emotional aspect to it. It's a primal, raw, testosterone laden desire to not only kick the snot out of someone else, but when its done in less than prime conditions, you must get extra man-points or something.

I'm trying to procrastinate actually going outside right now. I really dread getting wet and cold, especially since I'm just getting over some bug my son gave me. Perhaps if I keep writing, they will all just leave without me and I can spend a quiet home tonight watching movies. Keep your fingers crossed. As for me - I'm sitting here praying that perhaps someday, some really smart scientist somewhere will come up with a pill to cure football coach insanity.

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